Dear Cliff,

Let me start off by saying how much I love you. Our love was strong before cancer, but even stronger now.

The first week in the hospital I cried when you slept. I would bury my head in the pillow and think that this isn’t going to be end to our love story. I know now that this isn’t going to be the end. We will have many more years together of me breaking and spilling things!  You have always made sure I was doing okay. You have brought out strength in me that I didn’t know that I had. I love being your wife and couldn’t be more proud of you. We have cried, argued, and laughed in the last six months. I know that I have been overbearing at times, but that was only because I love you.

You are an incredible father. You have been focused on Coy and Gabriella to make this as easy as possible for them. When you got diagnosed you were scared about how Coy was going to handle your physical changes. He has done amazing because you have made it a point to put on a happy face even when you weren’t feeling well.  You made it to his baseball games even when you felt bad. He’ll always remember that. After you got out of surgery from your biopsy one of the first things you said is that Gabriella wasn’t going to remember you if you died. That little girl adores her Dada! I believe that she has been a big part of your fight with cancer. She doesn’t know what’s going on and that’s the beauty of it. She has been the joy we all needed to get through this. The kids are the greatest thing you have ever done. They are lucky to have you just as much as you are lucky to have them.

Now that you know how much I love you let me tell you something…

You have mastered making everyone think you are feeling and doing great even when you weren’t. You make hard things look easy Lewis. This has been harder on you then it has on all of us. I know that some days it hurt to walk. I have seen you crawl from the restroom because you couldn’t walk back to the bedroom. I have seen you be in the worst pain from your first spinal tap. I watched you not eat for days because you couldn’t keep anything down. What you have gone through sucks. It is hard seeing you in pain and discomfort, but my pain in nothing in comparison to yours. You have been poked to many times to count. You have been though two spinal taps that were scary and painful. You have been through eight rounds of INTENSE chemotherapy. You had to come to terms with your cancer, and in some aspects I think that was the most challenging part for you. You have done amazing and I’m so proud to call you my husband. You are my hero and my inspiration to make the best out of every day. This would have broken some people, but you didn’t allow it. Be proud of yourself!  

Finally, I know that just because chemo is over it doesn’t mean that this is over. I know that you need the pet scan to be clear before radiation can start.  I know that we are both hesitant on what radiation will bring, but I know we’ll make it though it like we did everything else. Important decisions still have to be made about medications after radiation. I know that you will be tested frequently to make sure the cancer isn’t back. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know that we will always be able to face it head on together.   

I love you.

Delayed Chemo and Walks

We thought Cliff would start chemo on Monday, but because of his low platelet counts he wasn’t able to. He is scheduled to start tomorrow evening…fingers crossed! I was initially worried when I heard this, but Dr. Turner assured us that this is completely normal at this stage of treatment. He even said that most of the time this happens in the middle of treatment so Cliff has been recovering from treatment very well. It’s because he’s amazing ;)

 

We had the joy of participating in the Light the Night Walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for the past two weekends. I initially didn’t want us to participate in this because I was scared of what I would see. Seeing other families that are experiencing what we are makes me really sad. I said that we would get involved with charities after Cliff was in remission. I talked with a sweet friend and she said the perfect thing to make me realize I was crazy.

 

 

I’m so glad we did these walks. You are with a ton of people that understand what you are feeling. They are there for the same fight and carrying a balloon for someone they care about. The white balloon means you are a survivor or currently in treatment. A red balloon means you are walking for someone. A gold balloon means you walking for someone who passed away. As people were in line getting their gold balloons my heart broke for them, but when I saw a now healthy child ask for their white balloon I smiled.

 

I don’t know if it’s the inner child in me, but the balloons were amazing! They offered the hope I needed to get us through the last two treatments and radiation. At the Dallas walk they asked everyone to lower their balloons. They then asked everyone who was holding a gold balloon to raise it, then the white, then the red. When I looked at Cliff holding his white balloon I have never been so proud. I loved Cliff way before cancer happened, but what it has done for our relationship and our family over the last four months is remarkable. What mattered before doesn’t now. I wouldn’t consider us lucky to have experienced this, but we are lucky for what it has shown us.

 For everyone that donated for Team Cliff…THANK YOU!