Outlet

I started this blog to keep our friends and family informed on Cliff’s progress and to use as my outlet. Today it’s my outlet.

To say that this past week was hard is an understatement. Seeing Cliff in physical and mental pain was the worst. It's hard seeing someone you love in pain. All I could do was put on a strong face and tell him we will get through this.  

This is a balancing act. I have to balance Cliff, kids, and work. Yes, I was doing this before, but when you add cancer it's a whole new act. I couldn't be more grateful for the company I work for. When I tell them Cliff needs me they say go. They call and check on how he's doing. They are being accommodating. They care.

I didn't realize how exhausted I was until today. I was sitting at my desk and it happened...I cried. Not a heavy cry, but just tears. I kept thinking how can we do this? How can we do this 6 more times? How can Cliff get 6 more chemo treatments and survive? I started to doubt our strength. Cliff is the strong one...not me. Then the guilt sets in...how can I be consumed by what I'm thinking and feeling compared to what Cliff is going through?

So many of you have said I'm strong. Why I think it's awfully kind of you, I need to be honest. I don't feel strong. I feel like I'm fighting to keep our family together. Cliff has been strong for the both of us for a long time. I had a hard time after having the baby and balancing work. I was a hot mess and he was the strong one. It took Cliff getting cancer to snap me out of the funk. The funk started to creep up on me today. With a little help at work today I was able to snap out of it.

I can't think about the future. It scares me. Not thinking about the future is how I've survived this past month. I want to worry about the day I'm in. I need not to worry about the next 6 chemo treatments. We are still figuring out what meds work and don't work for Cliff. I will put this past week behind us after we talk with the doctor on Wednesday. I have some concerns and I’m hoping he will be able to address them.

When Cliff and I talked today we agreed that this could be a blessing. We will appreciate life so much more after this. Our love is strong...so maybe that's why I'm strong.

On a different note Cliff is tired, but feeling better overall. He still has a slight headache at times and his bones are sore. He should be getting his next chemo treatment by the end of the month.