Vicious Cycle

This chemo treatment has been HARD on Cliff. We thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, because he handled his first treatment so well. I don't know if it's the chemo, headache, nausea, lack of appetite, or all of it combined that has made this so hard for him.

He sent me a text around two that he was feeling horrible, so I told him I'd be up there in a bit. When I got to the hospital he had a blanket over his head and the lights off. I went outside to speak with the nurse and asked is there anything else they can do for his headache. She told me that he said he was doing okay, but it was just a dull headache. I told her don't believe a thing he says then. If he is in the room and can't stand light or noise, obviously he isn't feeling better or doing okay. I also asked about his appetite, because he hasn't eaten anything since a salad for lunch yesterday. She asked me if he's scared to eat or is he just not hungry. I told her if anything he's more scared to eat, because he hates throwing up just like everyone else should. I told Cliff that he needs to speak up or I'll be doing the speaking for him. I'm going to stay and talk with Dr. Turner tomorrow, to see what he says.

It's a vicious cycle at this point. The headache could be from lack of food, but because he's nauseous he can't keep anything down. They gave him headache medicine, but it makes him nauseous because his stomach is empty. They attempted to give him nausea medicine before he ate, and that didn't work either. It's exhausting for him and for us that care for him. It's awful, but it is what it is.

Since Cliff got diagnosed he is still worried about everyone else, and not worried about himself. I know he thinks about what's happening to him, but he would rather focus on others. He called his uncle today to talk about a resume. Really...who does that? He can't keep anything down and has a headache from hell, but wants to talk about a resume. That's one of the reasons I love him. Cliff has a quality about him most people don't. He is selfless. He will go without, so someone else can. He will go out of his way to help someone, and won’t think twice about it. However, if you cross him I wish you luck...you'll need it.

This goes back to “things will get harder, before they get easier.” I know this sounds awful, but it's how I feel today so I’m going to say it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world, but I wish it wasn't us. I wish it wasn't him. I know wishing isn't going to change a thing. I know this is just another chapter in our story. I know we will look back and say wow we beat cancer. I say “we” a lot in this. Cliff is taking a huge burden of this, but cancer affects everyone to the people that they love. We will beat this all together.