Cancer Free

Yesterday Cliff had his much anticipated pet scan to determine if he had any active cancer cells or not. We got the results back this morning and they showed that Cliff has no living cancer cells anywhere in his body! Needless to say he is CANCER FREE!!!!! He will still have radiation in January and have frequent checkups, but we will start 2013 without cancer! The amount of joy that I have is overwhelming. It took me back to the day that they told me he had cancer after his biopsy surgery and how heartbroken I was. I feel like a load has been lifted off of both of us. Today marks the first day of moving on to brighter things.

Cliff doesn’t have cancer anymore…he had cancer and survived.

 

 

Dear Cliff,

Let me start off by saying how much I love you. Our love was strong before cancer, but even stronger now.

The first week in the hospital I cried when you slept. I would bury my head in the pillow and think that this isn’t going to be end to our love story. I know now that this isn’t going to be the end. We will have many more years together of me breaking and spilling things!  You have always made sure I was doing okay. You have brought out strength in me that I didn’t know that I had. I love being your wife and couldn’t be more proud of you. We have cried, argued, and laughed in the last six months. I know that I have been overbearing at times, but that was only because I love you.

You are an incredible father. You have been focused on Coy and Gabriella to make this as easy as possible for them. When you got diagnosed you were scared about how Coy was going to handle your physical changes. He has done amazing because you have made it a point to put on a happy face even when you weren’t feeling well.  You made it to his baseball games even when you felt bad. He’ll always remember that. After you got out of surgery from your biopsy one of the first things you said is that Gabriella wasn’t going to remember you if you died. That little girl adores her Dada! I believe that she has been a big part of your fight with cancer. She doesn’t know what’s going on and that’s the beauty of it. She has been the joy we all needed to get through this. The kids are the greatest thing you have ever done. They are lucky to have you just as much as you are lucky to have them.

Now that you know how much I love you let me tell you something…

You have mastered making everyone think you are feeling and doing great even when you weren’t. You make hard things look easy Lewis. This has been harder on you then it has on all of us. I know that some days it hurt to walk. I have seen you crawl from the restroom because you couldn’t walk back to the bedroom. I have seen you be in the worst pain from your first spinal tap. I watched you not eat for days because you couldn’t keep anything down. What you have gone through sucks. It is hard seeing you in pain and discomfort, but my pain in nothing in comparison to yours. You have been poked to many times to count. You have been though two spinal taps that were scary and painful. You have been through eight rounds of INTENSE chemotherapy. You had to come to terms with your cancer, and in some aspects I think that was the most challenging part for you. You have done amazing and I’m so proud to call you my husband. You are my hero and my inspiration to make the best out of every day. This would have broken some people, but you didn’t allow it. Be proud of yourself!  

Finally, I know that just because chemo is over it doesn’t mean that this is over. I know that you need the pet scan to be clear before radiation can start.  I know that we are both hesitant on what radiation will bring, but I know we’ll make it though it like we did everything else. Important decisions still have to be made about medications after radiation. I know that you will be tested frequently to make sure the cancer isn’t back. I don’t know what our future holds, but I know that we will always be able to face it head on together.   

I love you.

Delayed Chemo and Walks

We thought Cliff would start chemo on Monday, but because of his low platelet counts he wasn’t able to. He is scheduled to start tomorrow evening…fingers crossed! I was initially worried when I heard this, but Dr. Turner assured us that this is completely normal at this stage of treatment. He even said that most of the time this happens in the middle of treatment so Cliff has been recovering from treatment very well. It’s because he’s amazing ;)

 

We had the joy of participating in the Light the Night Walk for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for the past two weekends. I initially didn’t want us to participate in this because I was scared of what I would see. Seeing other families that are experiencing what we are makes me really sad. I said that we would get involved with charities after Cliff was in remission. I talked with a sweet friend and she said the perfect thing to make me realize I was crazy.

 

 

I’m so glad we did these walks. You are with a ton of people that understand what you are feeling. They are there for the same fight and carrying a balloon for someone they care about. The white balloon means you are a survivor or currently in treatment. A red balloon means you are walking for someone. A gold balloon means you walking for someone who passed away. As people were in line getting their gold balloons my heart broke for them, but when I saw a now healthy child ask for their white balloon I smiled.

 

I don’t know if it’s the inner child in me, but the balloons were amazing! They offered the hope I needed to get us through the last two treatments and radiation. At the Dallas walk they asked everyone to lower their balloons. They then asked everyone who was holding a gold balloon to raise it, then the white, then the red. When I looked at Cliff holding his white balloon I have never been so proud. I loved Cliff way before cancer happened, but what it has done for our relationship and our family over the last four months is remarkable. What mattered before doesn’t now. I wouldn’t consider us lucky to have experienced this, but we are lucky for what it has shown us.

 For everyone that donated for Team Cliff…THANK YOU!

 

Busy Busy Busy

Wow! Things have been extremely busy this past month!

Cliff was scheduled to have his 6^th round of chemo the first week of October, but because of how busy I was at work and Coy’s 10^th birthday we decided to postpone his chemo until the second week. He did extremely well! His body isn’t recovering as fast as before so he has had two platelet transfusions since he got out of the hospital. As you can imagine it’s very annoying to get pricked and poked all the time, but he’s handling it well. If things stay on schedule Cliff will be done with chemo on November 21^st which happens to be Gabriella’s first birthday! It will be very special day for our family! He will still have radiation after, but that won’t happen for a month or so after his last chemo round.

Cliff will start his 7^thround chemo tomorrow. This will be his last "A" treatment! The “A”treatments are supposed to be the easier of the two, but for some reason they have been more difficult for him. I think it’s the hiccups that make it so bad. When Cliff is nauseous it usually stems from having the hiccups. The medicine to control them is an anti-depressant and has the opposite side effect on him. He’s a complete grump! He will deny this, but I have witnesses to back me up!

It’s a strange feeling to be getting to the end and have the emotions that I have. I’m excited and scared. We’ve had a plan for how Cliff was going to be treated, but we don’t have a plan for after radiation yet. This is the scary unknown part all over again! I know that Dr. Turner and his colleagues will help us make the best decision for Cliff, but we aren’t to that point yet. This is why research is so important!

On a different note Cliff and I got married a little over a week ago! When Cliff proposed he basically had our wedding planned. We were going to get married on 12/12/12 and it was going to be a destination wedding. Little did we know he would be diagnosed with cancer and starting chemo 15 days after our engagement? After we found out he was sick we were planning on keeping our date and having a small dinner with our family. The pressure was starting to build so I asked him on a Thursday night if he wanted to get married after I got off the next day. I didn’t know we were really going to do this until about noon on Friday. I didn’t have a dress, pictures, cake, flowers, bridal or bachelorette party, but I got to marry my best friend!

 

Statistics

Cliff did something a few weekends ago that you should never do when you are sick. He researched his cancer, which gave him statistics. I really hate statistics because they aren’t a guarantee on what your final outcome will be. Most people offer us encouraging stories about others they know that are survivors of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. What most people don’t realize is that Cliff has Non-Hodgkin’s T-Cell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. This only affects 2% of patients that have Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The 5 year survival rate of this cancer is 40%-50%.

We are getting to the point in Cliff’s cancer treatment that we start talking about life after treatment. We have to decide if Cliff needs to take the prevention meds after radiation. Most of you are thinking yes you take the medicine because its prevention and you don’t want the cancer to come back. The problem with the medicines is the laundry list of side effects and the long term damage it causes. Dr. Turner told us that he and his colleges simply don’t know what Cliff should do. The last time his doctor treated someone with this cancer was 15 years ago, and before that one other guy 5 years before. This was also treated on a different type of chemo. There isn’t enough research to say yes you need the meds or no you don’t with this early stage of lymphoblastic lymphoma. Because of the rarity of his cancer you can’t get enough patients to do a study to find this answer out.

When Cliff is in the hospital he is surrounded by death. He is with other cancer patients who have been battling for awhile and it’s time to accept that nothing else can be done.  We watch their families stand outside their rooms discussing how to make them comfortable. One week I watched this patient sleeping and his wife and daughter looked completely exhausted, but still reading the bible to him. They stood by his side the whole week until he finally passed away. I wondered how they felt. I can only imagine that they are relived, sad, and angry.  This last stay in the hospital a lady was passing away in the room behind Cliff. Her family was in and out of the hospital the whole week and eventually made it to Cliff’s room to talk. I think he talked with everyone in her immediate family. Her husband walked by one night and I was lying in bed with Cliff. He told us that he’s so happy to see us in bed and fighting this together. It was like he wished he could crawl in bed with his wife and lay there with her, but he couldn’t. He had so much sadness in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do with himself. The lady eventually went to hospice and we found out last week that she did pass away.

This leaves me with what my greatest fear since this begun. What if it comes back? The doctor can’t make any guarantees if the cancer will come back or not. However, he reminded us that Cliff has something if he ever needs it….a sibling bone marrow match. The chances of his sister being a match were 1 in 4. When I got the news she was a match all I could do was cry. When I asked Cliff how he feels about her being a match he says fortunate. She is our hope if the cancer comes back.

I think about the statistics and the dying patients and they do scare me. You can’t go through this journey and not think about death. However, I truly believe that Cliff will be okay. Cliff is a fighter and even on his worst pain days he is doing the best he can to put a smile on his face for all of us. I don’t think Cliff will ever know what an inspiration he is to everyone that is on this cancer journey with us.

Chemo Round 5/Hospital Stay 6!

Today Cliff will start his fifth round of chemo! It’s exciting to be at the half way done point. Some of you saw that I posted on Facebook that his mass is practically gone! That’s exciting news because we know the chemo is working. His blood and platelet counts are becoming slow to recover, but that’s to be expected the further he gets into treatment. (Remember to donate at Carter Blood Care if you can/willing)

So from the last time he had chemo this is what Cliff has been up too…

·         Losing his eyebrows (Sensitive subject)

·         Throwing the ball with Coy

·         Playing/Crawling with Gabriella

·         Giving me a hard time.

·         Tired (Because of all of that and low blood/platelet counts)

As we were checking in the hospital I noticed how routine/comfortable this is becoming. We walk to the admissions desk and they know us. We walk upstairs and the nurses and techs are lining up to say hi and comment on his weight gain. The dining clerk asked what Cliff wanted for breakfast and remembered that he wouldn’t eat last time.  After we got to Cliff’s room he went next door to talk with a patient that was here last time too. The billing guy came around the corner to say hi and not give us a bill! Lupe with housekeeping cries almost every time she sees Cliff. She says that he will be okay because God told her to touch his toes and she did when he was sleeping one day. They care and inspire us with their stories of themselves or family member’s being cancer survivors. I feel at ease when I’m working knowing that he’s in good hands.

The goal is for him to get discharged on Friday!

Cliff Update!

Once again it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but I’m busy/tired!  

Cliff’s “evil” B treatment wasn’t so evil. The new group of nausea meds the doctor gave him must have done the trick. It was a big relief not to experience what we did with his first B treatment…that was awful!  He will have his 5^th chemo treatment next Monday.  We’ve decided not to have any expectations when we go in for treatments because you never know how his body is going to react.

Overall he has been doing well since his last chemo. The main thing is that he’s tired. Every time he leaves the hospital he has a new chemo symptom. This time it’s a rash on his bald head. He had a platelet transfusion last Friday and he’ll get a blood transfusion tomorrow. After the blood transfusion his energy level will increase. It’s always something so we just go with the flow!

September is Leukemia/Lymphoma awareness month! The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society is a great resource if you want to learn more about blood cancers or if you would like to donate towards research. This is an organization that Cliff and I will heavily be involved with after the New Year.

Click here to Donate Now!

Chemo Round 4

Cliff started his fourth round of chemo yesterday. After this week we will be half way done with chemo! Radiation will happen in late December, but we’ll worry about that when we get there.

So far he is doing fine with chemo…he will get the “bad” bag of chemo in the next hour or so. By tomorrow afternoon I think we will have a good idea on how he is going to react to treatment. The goal is to go home on Friday. He of course has the dreaded hiccups!  Luckily we were able to get his heartburn under control before he started treatment, so I don’t imagine it to be a problem this time.

Life is REALLY busy, so my posts are getting further apart. I’m doing my best to keep everyone in the loop! Look at it this way…if I’m not writing he most likely is doing well!

Thanks for the continued support!

Blood Donation's and Heartburn

Throughout this ordeal Cliff has received a lot of support from family, friends, and co-workers. After I wrote my post about blood and platelet donation we received a lot of support of people saying they would go and do it. Thanks to all of you who have gone to donate blood or platelets. It means a lot to us both.  

Bedford Central BofA Team

Great group of guys!

Poor Sam is afraid of needles, but she did it!

Lea and family!

This week Cliff has had heartburn. I’ve never had heartburn but by his lack of appetite and constant moving it seems like it’s pretty painful. From our understanding this is a side effect of chemo and his body not having enough time to adjust. He’s been taking Prilosec so hopefully he’ll get some relief soon. I want him to feel better and I want some sleep! He also some back pain, he things he pulled a muscle.

Last night Cliff went to a work event with me. He was a great sport about it! I told him many times that if he wasn’t feeling up for it we wouldn’t have to go.  He was determined to go even if we didn’t stay long. His heartburn and back we’re bothering him, but he stuck it out. (I was pretty sure he was going to get sick at one point, but he didn’t) It was nice for us to do something.  I talk about him frequently at work and I think it was nice for others to see him and how he’s doing. The support they’ve offered us both has made this hard thing easier. When I say Cliff needs me, they say go.

Our lives are super busy. Kids, doctors, and work leave little time for me some days. I love all the comments and messages Facebook, but I haven’t found time to write all of you back. Please be patient with me!  

3 down 5 to go

5 more treatments...

We have to do this 5 more times and radiation. The goal is to be done by 12/12/12. After this he will have another one to two years of outpatient therapy. This will be medicine everyday and a once a month chemo shot. This is a form of leukemia so he’ll have to have checkups to make sure it doesn’t return.

Cliff and I talked about what it will be like in December when he's done with treatment. We know it will take some time to get him back to his old self. He will have to go back to work and he'll want to train again. The difference is that he'll want to be home more. He will try and not work every Saturday. He won't train as much as he was before. Sweet Coy knows that his dad is sick. The first week Cliff was in the hospital Coy came to visit and wrote on a get well pillow “Dad I hope nothing happens to you. Love Coy” It still makes me sad when I think about what he wrote. We try and shield as much as we can, but he sees it. Cliff looks different and he can't wrestle with him. To be honest the constant wrestling drove me crazy, but I can't wait to see the day where they are doing it again. Cliff can’t play with Gabriella as much either. He can only hold her for a few short minutes because she’s all over the place. When she gets her shots next month I’ll have to schedule it when he’s in the hospital because he can’t be around the live virus. To tell a father that he can’t hold his kids would be hard for anyone, but especially for Cliff. He’s an amazing/involved dad.

On a different note we got home from the hospital yesterday afternoon. It was nice to be home on a Friday, so we get a couple of days before I go back to work on Monday. Overall, he is feeling okay. His bones hurt so it’s very hard for him to walk or move. This pain typically only last for a day after we get home, so we have hopes that it will be gone tomorrow. His spinal tap went very well! A friend walked in while Dr. Turner was doing the spinal tap and that was a great distraction for Cliff. Dr. Turner typically doesn’t allow that, but because it was for Cliff he made the exception. I’m figuring out that Cliff is making quite the impression with the doctor’s, nurses, housekeeping, and dining staff. You can’t help but create a bond with these people. I know it’s their job to make him comfortable, but I know that Cliff is getting a little special treatment at times. He doesn’t have a headache like last time! Thank goodness! He did get sick a couple of times after his spinal tap though…exorcist style. I joked that they’ll have to paint the walls after he was discharged. He had this acid bubble in his gut so when he would get sick there was no warning sign to grab a bag. I’m getting quite good when this happens though. I grab gloves, wet rag, inform the nurses, and start cleaning up. Its chemo throw up so you have to be careful when handling. The hazmat team has already visited him once.

Once again this post was all over the place, but that’s how my brain works these days. We thank you for the Facebook messages, texts, and prayers.

Kisses before his blood count drops!

Dr. Turner

This was his last dose of chemo Thursday night.

Chemo Round 3...Hospital Stay 4

Cliff has been in the hospital since Monday night for his 3rd round of chemo.

Yesterday they gave him two bags of blood, so hopefully his energy and complexion will improve. He's looking quite pale these days.

He actually was doing very well until 7 tonight. He has had the hiccups off and on like the last two times. Tonight was the first time he got sick. He's been sick a couple of times now so we are hoping the extra medicine will help him. When they started giving him the extra medicine I knew it was time to get comfortable, because I was going to stay here tonight. The nurses are great, but when he's sick like this they encourage having someone stay with him. I'm happy to report that he hasn't had the headache as severe as last time. He still gets it occasionally, but not as intense.

Tomorrow he is scheduled to have his last spinal tap. Fingers crossed that it goes well! Even if he's sick we think Dr. Turner will still try and do the procedure, but we'll find that out in the morning for sure.

Time for a tangent...

It's impossible to get good rest in a hospital! They have to check vitals’ often, blood work at 4am, and they even change the trash at that time. I don't understand why they have to do the trash at 4am. Everything else I get, but not the trash!

Blood/Platelet Donations

Cliff will be getting platelet and blood transfusions periodically from here on out. I've set up a donor number if anyone would like to donate in Cliff's name. The blood and platelets don't necessarily go directly to Cliff, but it helps replace the bank. Also, each time you use Cliff's name and number it will give a $10.00 credit toward any bills associated with these transfusions. I imagine we've already hit the max with insurance and won't be receiving any bills for this, but I could be wrong.

The way I'm looking at it is that I'm helping someone else that is going through this. Cliff received one bag of platelets last Friday and from what I read it took 6 people to get enough platelets for that one small bag. Those six people kept Cliff out of the hospital this past week. He felt more energized and looked a lot better.
My point is that donating never crossed my mind until Cliff got sick. If you are able and willing I think it’s a great way to help others in need.

You can go to any Carter Blood Care location to do this.

http://www.carterbloodcare.org/

Name: Terry C. Lewis
Number: 051701

Thanks Peak!

Cliff has been practicing jiu-jitsu for quite some time now. He fell in love with it from the day he started. Jiu-jitsu is a sport that you have to study and constantly challenge yourself on and off the mat. The more Cliff went to practice and got to know the guys/girls he started to develop some really neat friendships.

When Cliff went to the hospital that Monday he couldn’t breathe I called Juan and Lindsay to let them know. It's really hard to explain what Juan and Lindsay mean to us without tearing up, so I'll just say they are some great friends and we are lucky to have them! They came to the hospital with food and magazines and sat with us for a bit. After Cliff’s diagnoses Juan started to talk with Paul (Gym owner, coach, and friend) about what they could do to help/support Cliff in his battle with cancer. They got me in on a few details and I somehow managed to keep it from Cliff.

Boyfriends ;)
This was taken in Long Beach before we knew Cliff was sick.

Philip and Cliff talking about a move. Again, another great friend.

Every quarter ranking day is held. Everyone gets to the gym and they torture those who are going for their blue belt! This ranking day was special because it was for Cliff. He had no idea that shirts were being made for him. They also planned a huge raffle! It was amazing! JThe team raised $4,000 for Cliff's medical expenses. We can’t thank you all enough! This has been a tremendous help to us. The bills have started coming in and not having to worry about them has been a huge relief.

This past weekend the team competed at Lone Star State Jiu-Jitsu Championship and took home 1^st place in both adult gi and no gi division. It’s a great accomplishment! They also wore their shirts in honor of Cliff. The shirt reads "CLIFF WOULD ROLL-WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?" The truth is Cliff really would roll if he could. The doctor has given him the okay for light rolling, but his energy isn't there yet. He's still suffering from minor headaches and is tired easily.

Peak Performance is an amazing group of people. We thank and love you all!!!

Platelet Transfusion

This week vs. last week has been better for Cliff.  

We went to the doctor on Wednesday and I was happy with what Dr. Turner had to say. It was very apparent to everyone that Cliff’s chemo treatment didn’t go well last week. They weren’t able to get a handle on the nausea and had to continue to medicate him. It wasn’t working!!!!!  At some point you have to stop with the meds and accept that he’s going to be sick. Dr. Turner has a different set of meds that he’s going to try at the beginning of his next B treatment to see if that helps. The key is to prevent the nausea because once it starts its hard to shut it off. I’m for medicine if it works…if it’s not working I don’t see why give him it to him. Cliff shares the same thought that I do.  He still has the headache every now and then, but not to the degree of last week. He has been tired because his blood and platelet counts are low.

Which brings us back to the hospital today…platelet transfusion. This is fairly common with the type of cancer he has. I’m planning on setting up a donation account at Carter Blood Care for anyone who would like to donate in Cliff’s name. This will help replace the bank with whatever blood and platelets Cliff will use in his treatments. I will have more details on this later.

We appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers. They keep us going!

Outlet

I started this blog to keep our friends and family informed on Cliff’s progress and to use as my outlet. Today it’s my outlet.

To say that this past week was hard is an understatement. Seeing Cliff in physical and mental pain was the worst. It's hard seeing someone you love in pain. All I could do was put on a strong face and tell him we will get through this.  

This is a balancing act. I have to balance Cliff, kids, and work. Yes, I was doing this before, but when you add cancer it's a whole new act. I couldn't be more grateful for the company I work for. When I tell them Cliff needs me they say go. They call and check on how he's doing. They are being accommodating. They care.

I didn't realize how exhausted I was until today. I was sitting at my desk and it happened...I cried. Not a heavy cry, but just tears. I kept thinking how can we do this? How can we do this 6 more times? How can Cliff get 6 more chemo treatments and survive? I started to doubt our strength. Cliff is the strong one...not me. Then the guilt sets in...how can I be consumed by what I'm thinking and feeling compared to what Cliff is going through?

So many of you have said I'm strong. Why I think it's awfully kind of you, I need to be honest. I don't feel strong. I feel like I'm fighting to keep our family together. Cliff has been strong for the both of us for a long time. I had a hard time after having the baby and balancing work. I was a hot mess and he was the strong one. It took Cliff getting cancer to snap me out of the funk. The funk started to creep up on me today. With a little help at work today I was able to snap out of it.

I can't think about the future. It scares me. Not thinking about the future is how I've survived this past month. I want to worry about the day I'm in. I need not to worry about the next 6 chemo treatments. We are still figuring out what meds work and don't work for Cliff. I will put this past week behind us after we talk with the doctor on Wednesday. I have some concerns and I’m hoping he will be able to address them.

When Cliff and I talked today we agreed that this could be a blessing. We will appreciate life so much more after this. Our love is strong...so maybe that's why I'm strong.

On a different note Cliff is tired, but feeling better overall. He still has a slight headache at times and his bones are sore. He should be getting his next chemo treatment by the end of the month.

Still at Hospital...

We are still at the hospital L

Cliff still has the headache and nausea at times. He did eat a little fruit today and was able to keep it down. That’s a good sign!

It’s getting tough watching him be in so much discomfort. I feel bad that all I can do is offer emotional support. I wish I could take away his pain.

The on call doctor saw him today and said he didn’t pass the eye test. When the nurse asked what that was he said, “He looks like crap.” I can appreciate his bluntness. I hoping he will consider eating more fruit so he can build his energy up.

Overall, we are hanging in there.

-Meagan

Quick Update

Cliff is still nauseous, but the good news is that he is done with his second round of chemo. We are ¼ of the way to remission. J His headache is starting to fade.

He is still not eating. He was supposed to be leaving the hospital today, but Dr. Turner won’t release him until he eats.

His phone has been blowing up with texts and calls asking how he’s doing, but he hasn’t realized it. He hasn’t touched his phone since Wednesday afternoon. He hasn’t been awake for more then 5-10 minutes at a time. When he talks you can’t understand what he’s saying because of the morphine.  He uses his hands to motion what he wants/needs.

He is actually quite pleasant to the nurses and techs, but he gives him mom and I “the look” when we are trying to do something for him. I know he doesn’t realize it, but we’ve already decided that we are going to give him a hard time about it later.

He’s tough. I told him this morning that when he eats and is less dependent on the IV meds he’ll be able to go home and see his babies. He started to eat ice chips so I think he understood me.

Also, I didn’t realize that you could set an alarm on his hospital bed. Every time he sits up or tries to stand the thing sounds and a nurse is here FAST.  I decided since he was knocked out from the morphine last night to go home and get some rest. I had him on bed lock down and he had no clue. J It was a peace of mind for me.

Thanks everyone for reading this blog and keeping up with how Cliff is doing.  Going into this round of chemo with a headache and nausea is what made this round so hard for him. Dr. Turner is going to take some extra measures on his next and last spinal tap, so hopefully this doesn’t happen again.

Vicious Cycle

This chemo treatment has been HARD on Cliff. We thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad, because he handled his first treatment so well. I don't know if it's the chemo, headache, nausea, lack of appetite, or all of it combined that has made this so hard for him.

He sent me a text around two that he was feeling horrible, so I told him I'd be up there in a bit. When I got to the hospital he had a blanket over his head and the lights off. I went outside to speak with the nurse and asked is there anything else they can do for his headache. She told me that he said he was doing okay, but it was just a dull headache. I told her don't believe a thing he says then. If he is in the room and can't stand light or noise, obviously he isn't feeling better or doing okay. I also asked about his appetite, because he hasn't eaten anything since a salad for lunch yesterday. She asked me if he's scared to eat or is he just not hungry. I told her if anything he's more scared to eat, because he hates throwing up just like everyone else should. I told Cliff that he needs to speak up or I'll be doing the speaking for him. I'm going to stay and talk with Dr. Turner tomorrow, to see what he says.

It's a vicious cycle at this point. The headache could be from lack of food, but because he's nauseous he can't keep anything down. They gave him headache medicine, but it makes him nauseous because his stomach is empty. They attempted to give him nausea medicine before he ate, and that didn't work either. It's exhausting for him and for us that care for him. It's awful, but it is what it is.

Since Cliff got diagnosed he is still worried about everyone else, and not worried about himself. I know he thinks about what's happening to him, but he would rather focus on others. He called his uncle today to talk about a resume. Really...who does that? He can't keep anything down and has a headache from hell, but wants to talk about a resume. That's one of the reasons I love him. Cliff has a quality about him most people don't. He is selfless. He will go without, so someone else can. He will go out of his way to help someone, and won’t think twice about it. However, if you cross him I wish you luck...you'll need it.

This goes back to “things will get harder, before they get easier.” I know this sounds awful, but it's how I feel today so I’m going to say it. I wouldn't wish this on anyone in the world, but I wish it wasn't us. I wish it wasn't him. I know wishing isn't going to change a thing. I know this is just another chapter in our story. I know we will look back and say wow we beat cancer. I say “we” a lot in this. Cliff is taking a huge burden of this, but cancer affects everyone to the people that they love. We will beat this all together.

Hospital Vistit 3/Chemo Round 2

Cliff was able to start his second round of chemo yesterday evening. He had a 2 hour drip bag, and then he's been on a 22 hour drip bag that should be finishing up soon. After that he will go on a two hour drip bag every 12 hours for 2 days. A lot of info to process isn't it?

He still has the headache. This is a headache that he wants all the lights off, no noise, and a cool wash cloth on his head. He also developed a case of the hiccups. They gave him something to try and knock both the headache and hiccups. The hiccups are gone, but sadly the headache is still here. He’s also starting to feel nauseous; hopefully this is from the headache and not the chemo. He keeps telling me sorry every time he gets sick. I hate this! I keep telling him that there is no reason to be sorry. I’m sorry he has to deal with this.

Some have asked why can’t they cut the mass out. There is no reason to cut the mass out. The thing is already melting away with his first round of chemo. I think I mentioned what kind of cancer he had in the blog post that I somehow deleted, so I’ll say again. He has Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. This is a blood cancer which means this is a form of leukemia. To be honest, I haven’t done much research after Cliff’s diagnoses. I don’t want to scare myself with Google searches. I have great friends and family that will send me emails about something they have found and I love that. It’s nice knowing that they proof read it. I know they aren’t sending me something that will freak me out. I trust his doctors and nurses fully. I believe that Dr. Turner and Dr. Collins (more about him another day) will do whatever they can to get Cliff healthy and remission.

I told Cliff after the first hospital stay that he’ll get to say he’s a cancer survivor. That’s pretty powerful in my opinion. We already know Cliff is a fighter, and this is just another battle in his life that he’ll overcome. I love him so much and can’t wait for the day doctor to say he’s in remission.


FYI he has the hiccups again…

The lime green ribbon represents lymphoma awareness.

Symptoms

On Thursday Cliff had to get a spinal tap along with a shot of chemo to make sure there aren't any cancer cells in his spinal fluid. He came home and took a long nap to avoid getting a spinal headache. After he woke up he started to develop a headache and his back was getting sore. I gave him some Advil, water, and a little dinner and he decided to go to bed early.

We had two appointments scheduled for Friday. He needed to get a pet scan done first, and we needed to head to Dallas second. When you get a pet scan done you aren't suppose to eat 8 hours before. Cliff went about his normal routine that morning and ate two hard boil eggs! Oops! We called the doctor and they said it should be fine and they moved the appointment two hours back. As Cliff was walking in the office I knew his head and back was sore, but thought he would be able to push through. The tech came out shortly after Cliff went back and told his mom and me he wasn't doing well and that he was nauseous and had a horrible headache. I called Dr. Turner's office and they told me that he was probably feeling bad from the shot of chemo and not the spinal tap. I told the tech I have some meds I can give him at home, but if he can still try and get the scan done because chemo was scheduled for Sunday. The tech came back out 15 minutes later and told us that he was now throwing up and he wouldn't be able to do the scan today. Bummer! It took a long few minutes, but we were able to get him in the car and get him home in bed. Every time I gave him a drink of water it came right back up. I was concerned that if he didn't keep anything down he would end back up in the hospital. Finally he fell asleep and when he woke up he was feeling a little better and was able to keep food and water down. I'm thankful for Dr. Turner and his nurses. I called many times that afternoon and they told me what to do to help him.

His headache and back pain have lasted all weekend. He wanted to have a few people over on Saturday night to watch the UFC Fights. I agreed, but had a feeling he wasn't going to make it. He spent a majority of the time lying in the bedroom, but he enjoyed having our friends over. They understood he didn’t feel well, and didn’t mind hanging out with me instead.

I'm really hoping this is from his spinal tap and not the shot of chemo. I would hate to see him feel this bad until chemo is over. He was supposed to start his second treatment today, but Dr. Turner thought it would be best to wait until he is feeling better. We are hoping he will start tomorrow or Tuesday. We also got told that he'll have another spinal tap at the end of the month. We thought this was a onetime deal, but I'll get more answers on that soon.

He's Home!

Well my post from Sunday night somehow got deleted. I'm upset about it, but it is what it is.

Quick recap...Cliff was running a fever so we went to the ER. They decided to keep him for the next couple of days. His blood count fell to 150 and that made him neutropenic. That means that he's not able to fight off infections like the average person.

To add to Sunday I got pulled over on my way home at 1:30 in the morning. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. When the cop came up to my window he told me my registration sticker was out. I argued with him that it wasn't, because my fiancé got the new one this past week. When I looked at the sticker I realized Cliff didn't change it out yet. I found the new sticker in the console and it handed it to the cop. He asked me why it wasn't on the car yet and needless to say I lost it! I told him probably because my fiancé has cancer and I just left him at the hospital and the registration sticker wasn't the priority today. I'm pretty sure I made the cop feel like an ass. I called Cliff in tears. I understand the man was only doing his job, but it really was only one day late. I think he was hoping to find something more interesting, but he only got an emotional woman.

Cliff got to come home today! Dr. Turner thinks it could have been a sore that opened up in his mouth that caused the infection. The worst part about him being in the hospital is leaving him. I realized that when they had us wear mask around him that I'm more harm than good if I stay with him all the time. Sometimes it will be best for me to go home and let the nurses and doctors do their job. I find myself asking if he's okay a lot! I know it's annoying and I try to control it, but I can't. He'll have to deal with it for awhile.

People have asked if we had any signs that anything was wrong. Well the answer is it's hard to tell. Cliff has been living a very healthy lifestyle since he started jiu jitsu about a year and half ago. He worked out many times a week and sometime even twice if he had the day off. He ate well and drank tons of water. He started to develop night sweats off and on about a year ago. We chalked it up to him working out and cutting weight for a tournament that he could have coming up. It wasn't an every night thing so we really didn't put much thought into it. He had lost weight, but that's common with healthy eating habits and working out. The only thing that triggered him to go to the doctor was his trouble breathing. The x-rays showed that his trachea was only open a quarter of what it should have been. We are lucky the mass caused this or otherwise it would still be in there growing and spreading. I happy to report that his last x-ray showed the mass is melting away. Dr. Turner is very pleased with what he saw. We are still looking around December for his treatment to be complete, but this shows the chemo is working.

Cliff has an amazing spirit. What I love/hate is how he doesn't waste time worrying about what others think. (I have a tendency to worry)

Thanks for all support in this this blog. I was really nervous about it, but I’m glad I decided to move forward with it.

Really?!

So this isn't my sort of thing, but I thought it was important to document this time in our lives.

Let me start off with a few dates.

May 29, 2012-Cliff competed at the World Championships for jiu jitsu in Long Beach, CA. He lost his first match by points. He lasted the whole 6 minutes...which is impressive. (I'll get to that in a minute) Later that afternoon Cliff asked me to marry him! Finally we are engaged! We have been together for almost 6 years and have a beautiful daughter together...I'd say it's about time! Cliff also has a 9 year old son from a previous marriage that I get to love like my own.

June 5-9, 2012-Cliff is tired and not able to catch his breath. We thought it was allergies and thought nothing else of it.

June 10, 2012-I've had ENOUGH! I told him he was going to the doctor on Thursday because it was his day off and he was driving me crazy. He would lift his hands over his head so he could get a deep breath...it was annoying.

June 11, 2012-Cliff sends me a text and says he is going to Care Now after work. I told him why even bother and go to a place by my job because it's fast and they will be able to take a chest x-ray. I figured they would give him one considering he couldn't breathe. The doctor told him that it might be a little bronchitis, but they would need an x-ray anyways. He completed his x-ray and the doctor came in and told us they found a large mass and would need to do a cat scan. Cliff is calm as always and told me to go home and he'll be there soon. He wanted me to get dinner started and pick up the kids. I told him NO and that I was staying. He got his cat scan and we were told that it would take around 30 minutes for the results. Well sure enough it took a little over an hour. The doctor came in and told us the mass is showing lymphoma signs, but we would need to see an oncologist within the week. She was getting ready to send us home, and over the loud speaker we heard that Dr. Turner (the oncologists) was on the phone and needed to speak with our doctor. She stepped out and came back in and told us we are going to the hospital. The mass was pushing his trachea and that's why he was having a hard time breathing. WHAT? Is this really happening?

June 12, 2012-Dr. Turner came in to see us. He told us that they needed to do a biopsy on the mass and he wanted to get it done asap. We waited ALL day for the surgeon to come in to schedule a date and time. The surgeon told us they would do it tomorrow. Finally we had a time and maybe get an idea of what is going on.

June 13, 2012-Surgery Day! Going in to this we knew that if Cliff came out with a "port" that the biopsy showed signs of cancer. A port is about the size of three nickels they place under the skin so they can easily administer the chemo. I was waiting in the waiting room with Cliff's mom (Dodie), her husband Ricky, and with a ton of other questionable smelly people. The nurses would call a phone in the room and update the families as surgery was happening. They called and said they got started and they were waiting for the pathologist to decide if they would need to put a port in or not. Cliff's sister, Jennifer, showed up so she sat with me in the waiting room while Dodie and Ricky waited downstairs with her kids. The nurse called and said they we're done and that the surgeon would be over shortly to talk with me. We called Dodie to come back upstairs so she could hear the results with us. The surgeon came to the door and I gathered my things so we could speak to him in the hallway. He looked me in the eyes and said it...cancer. My heart dropped...I kept thinking is this really happening? I looked at Dodie and Jennifer and saw how their hearts did the same thing mine did. He didn't have many answers, because more test had to be done. Again, I kept thinking is this really happening? What about Coy, Gabriella, and our future. This isn't supposed to be happening....this wasn't in the plan. We finally got to see Cliff and he was groggy. He asked that I call the boys and let them know. The boys are group of guy's he has managed to get in a lot of trouble with over the years. Phone call, after phone call I got to call his best friends and tell them that Cliff had cancer and I don't know what kind.

June 14, 2012-We had amazing friends and family come to visit us. In and out all day! It was great...it was a distraction. We still didn’t have the results from the pathologist. Having people around helped us. We talked with the Dr. Turner and he told us that chemo would get started after they knew what it was. He gave us an idea of what he thought, but we needed the results first. He told us that a bone marrow test would need to be done in a few weeks, but not to worry about that yet.

June 15, 2012-We talked with Dr. Turner that morning, but still no results. We had still had family and friends around. It was what we needed. That afternoon I was in the hallway talking with someone on the phone and when I walked back in I asked where Cliff was. His family told me that he was in the restroom and that Dr. Turner called and they he would be in within the hour for a bone marrow test. WHAT? This isn't supposed to be happening until later. I knew that doctor was going to tell us something we didn't want to hear. T-Cell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma ended up being the diagnoses. It has to be treated as a stage 4 cancer, because it's extremely aggressive. They needed to a test to ensure the cancer hasn't spread.

June 16, 2012-Chemo Day! Cliff will have to take chemo twice a day for 4 days every 3 weeks for the next 6 months. That's a lot of chemo!

June 17, 2012-Father's Day! We got Cliff a popcorn machine. He's been waiting one. I got this for him before any of this happened. We talked with Coy to let him know what was going on. He had questions and Cliff answered them carefully and truthfully.

June 19, 2012-We are finally home! We didn't have a lot of answers, but we had an idea of what was going on. We are still waiting to see if the cancer has spread, but we won't know that for another week.

June 21, 2012-Cliff shaved his head before his hair started falling out. I took Cliff to the gym so he could watch his teammates shave their heads! It was incredible/emotional!

June 23, 2012-Happy 34th Birthday Cliff!

June 26, 2012-Cliff's bone marrow came back clean! As far as they know the cancer hasn't spread. This was the good news we've been waiting for.

I'm leaving out a lot of details, but I need to feed Gabriella soon ;) Some of you might be wondering if he had any signs. I'll touch on that a different day.

This is hard...this honestly just sucks. We've been happy, sad, and angry. I've cried in the shower numerous of times. I hate this! I hate that this is happening! Cliff has an amazing spirit. He doesn't ask why him? He's saying what next so we can put this behind us. We had the next year planned with having a wedding and buying a house. These things will still happen, but just not the way we had planned. This is a road block. Things will get harder, before they get easier. We have every reason to believe that Cliff will beat this and we will move on.

Without our family and friends this would be unbearable. We are thankful for each and every one of them. We couldn't do this without them.

Cliff is doing well. His next treatment will begin July 9th if all goes as planned. He goes to the doctor a lot! Next week he has 4 appoitments.